Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
