So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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