so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
