I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize