my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
