He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
did i just pee glitter
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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