I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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