Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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