sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
