Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
