this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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