you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
