I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
