Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
