i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
