We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
