I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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