My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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