you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
