I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
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