you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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