I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize