Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
