my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
