I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Randomize
