um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
