youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
