what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
