I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
