Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
