oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
