Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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