I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
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Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
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I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
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