She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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