I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
