i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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