:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
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I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
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She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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