I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
