So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
