Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
