Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
