She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
