The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
