Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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