I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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