Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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