New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
