I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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