We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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