Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Someone signed my nipple.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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