when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
